What to Do When You Worry Too Much

Ms. Tareen has a new post up - do check it out: Who doesn't love a TED Talk?

"Dr. Huebner is a psychologist, mother and the author of the bestseller "What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety." In it, she emphasizes her belief in empowerment and provides practical advice for caregivers and children."

You can find the link to this TED talk via her post (link above).

Sphere of Control

We have all heard it: There is an increase of anxiety in our children. I have certainly noticed this phenomenon over the last fifteen years of counseling in schools. Although there are many contributing factors to this shift, there are some basic strategies that can help us practice talking down "Peeves" as my young friends and I call that creature of worry in our minds and hearts.

One strategy is understanding our sphere of control. There are some things we can (and should) control, such as our habits of being polite. There are others things that we cannot (and should not try to) control, such as the weather, especially living in New England where all four seasons can pass through in twenty-four hours.

This concept is helpful in dealing with peer relationships. We cannot control what others think, say, or do. If behaviors "crosses the line", of course we have policies and protocols for addressing issues of bullying. However, we cannot control "typical" negative behaviors of other people. Sometimes, peers are going to be unkind, or gossip, or be moody. While our caring teachers attend to such social-emotional dynamics by helping our peers to gain insight into their behaviors and cultivating the desire to change, it is often resilient-building for us to understand what we can do to minimize the negative impact.

We can control whose opinions we listen to and value. In our discussions, the students and I often talk about if someone is not a reliable and good friend, why do we care so much about what they think of us. We can choose to listen to those who are kind to us all or most of the time. We can take an inventory of who our trusted friends are and invest our energies in those relationships.


This short piece on HuffPost by Renee Jain: Teach your Child this Crucial Life Lesson (Challenge #2: Sphere of Control) is a short and helpful read.

Grieving a Beloved Pet

In her article,  "Take It From a Family Who JUST Lost a Pet: This Research About Kids' Grief Will Help", Melissa Willets shares her family's loss of a beloved pet while drawing useful snippets from the October publication of "New research explores what it means when a child loses a pet". Below the article, in the comment section, Candi Wingate shares some practical advise on how to communicate the death to and how to support our children through the experience.

A worthwhile "cup of coffee" read.

How to Disagree - Wisdom from Kid President

Quoting Mandela, Gandhi, and Meowth!

Say it Dufferently

Transitioning back to a full schedule with school, music, sports, and a myriad of activities and demand on our energies can be stressful.  Let's be mindful about our words.  They are powerful~

ACE Study - CliffsNote Version

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is a large scale investigation regarding the impact of cumulative negative experiences on the health and well-being of children.  The findings can be used to inform our educational and counseling practices.  Below are links to two quick reads which provide some useful insights into children who have experienced trauma, and also practices which we can integrate into our teaching and counseling that can help support their healing and learning.

7 Ways Childhood Adversity Changes Your Brain by Donna Jackson Nakazawa in Psychology Today, August 7th, 2015

8 Ways to Recover From Post Childhood Adversity Syndrome by Donna Jackson Nakazawa in Psychology Today, August 10th, 2015

What Our Children Need

This is such a great article about what our children really need from us!  We want to grow children with imagination and creativity, who know how to build relationships, and who care for the environment.  Play is the work of children and too often we leave them alone with gadgets and electronics (and you know I love technology...but I love to play so much more!).  Please do take a moment, this article is worth a read~

4 Things Your Children Absolutely Do Not Need (and What to Give Them Instead)

The Sign of Great Parenting

As a young parent, I was consumed with what my children did.  Certainly some of the concern was centered around their health and safety, but much of it was centered on my need for their compliance.  A wise mentor, observing my parenting style, casually commented "You know, when they are little, we can make them do things because we are bigger and more powerful.  But as they get bigger and faster, we really can't make them do anything.  Some parents try to use baits and guilt, but in the end, we have to rely on our ability to influence them and not to control them.  That's why it's the relationship we build that truly matters."

Her wisdom deeply influenced my parenting philosophy.  Am I expressing care by my action?  "Oh, that sounds rough!  I am in the middle of cooking dinner but I can listen if you want to tell me more about it?  Am I expressing my confidence in them?  "Go ahead, climb!  I am right here!"  Am I expressing how much I value their independent thinking?  "Huh...I didn't see it that way, but explain that to me again..."

Let's not worry about what others think but wrap our hearts around the connection between us and our children.  No matter how old they are, they will always need to feel safe enough to dock back home.  No matter how successful they are, they may still need to rely on our influence.  "May" being the key word...so let's stay connected, just in case.

Teaching Tolerance and Respect for Diversity

How silence can breed prejudice: A child development professor explains how and why to talk to kids about race by Brigitte Vittrup

Talking to our children about topics such as race, disability, and other differences can be uncomfortable.  It is, however, extremely important if we want to build a positive community and gift them with positive life skills.  This article by Brigitte Vittrup shares a few good ideas including sample script for responding to different situations such as a child's observation regarding the patrons at a restaurant and meeting an inter-racial couple for the first time.

“Actually, this is a Thai restaurant, so maybe some of them are from Thailand. It’s a different country than China, and they even speak a different language.”

“When you love someone, it doesn’t matter what color they are” or “Friends come in all colors. As long as they’re nice, they can be your friend.”

Healthy Technology Use Speaker Series

February is a time many of us pay special attention to our relationships as the piles of heart-shaped candies remind us of our need to be connected.  In a 2014 article, "Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down to 2 Basic Traits", Emily Esfahani Smith at The Atlantic cited two important dynamics in successful relationships.  The first is the responsiveness partners show each other when one asks for the attention of another in conversation or in observation of something interesting.  Basically, this is the putting down of the iPad, looking up, and engaging in what is termed in the research "bid" for attention.  The second is choosing to be kind in the relationship, even during a conflict.  Julie Gottman, one of the researchers, speaks of kindness not only as an internal character trait, but also as a muscle which can be built.  The more we practice acts of kindness, the more acts of kindness will become a natural response.

Although the research cited are conducted between married couples, these ideas translate to parenting and friendships.  Many of us experience the universal phenomenon of a child asking for attention when we are in the middle of cooking dinner.  The times when I placate them with half acknowledgements tend to result in greater demands for my attention.  The times when I push aside the stress of dinner deadline, turn off the stove, get on her eye level and give her the five minutes she needs, often lead to a better evening.  Even now, as the teenager bid for my attention, if I close the laptop and turn around to give her my full attention, she leaves with a little bounce in her steps.  (Which incidentally is why this entry has taken three tries to complete!)

The topic of kindness, on the other hand, deserves it's own entry.  For now an inspiring quote:  "Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for a kindness" ~Seneca~

Helping Kids and Teens Cope with Anxiety: A Workshop for Parents and Guardians

Link to EDCO Collaborative
November 5, 2014
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
     Anxiety is the most common emotional problem in children and teens, and can sidetrack youngsters from learning, making friends and having fun. Does your child worry too much and/or seem intense and reactive? Does your child insist on doing things perfectly or get upset about making mistakes? Does your child get nervous around people or show reluctance to try new things? Or have meltdowns over little things?
     During this presentation, the presenter will discuss the differences between normal anxiety and problematic anxiety, red flags and warning signs, what you can do as a parent, and ready-to-use strategies to help your child. Other topics surrounding anxiety such as worry, shyness, separation anxiety, test anxiety, perfectionism, rituals and others will also be included.

Presenter:  Aureen Pinto Wagner Ph.D.is a sought-after international speaker who presents workshops for parents, school professionals and clinicians in the treatment of anxiety. She specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and has developed the child-friendly Worry Hill™ approach to making CBT accessible to youngsters. Dr. Wagner is an Adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine.
Audience:  Parents and Guardians of students of all ages
Fee:  No cost – participants may consider making a donation of $5 – $10 to help defray the workshop costs.
Location:  EDCO Collaborative, Bedford
Registration:  Please contact Dana at EDCO via email, dmullaley@edcollab.org, or by phone at 781-259-3445.

Resources for Addressing Grief and Loss with our Children

Sometimes, we might be charged with the difficult task of talking to children about death, grieving, and loss.  Below are some resources that might be helpful.  

• Tips about Supporting Children’s Grief for Adults from the Good Grief Program at Boston Medical Center 
• Talking with Your Child about Death from The Children's Room in Arlington 
• Do's and Don'ts of Reaching Out to a Mourner - Excerpt taken from "Lessons of Loss, A Guide to Coping" by Robert Neimeyer 
• When Children Grieve: How Educators Can Help from Hospice Care, Inc.

The Importance of Play

I love my teens! Everyone hears about how much I love these years with them, being able to converse and share interests. But I won't deny that I miss playing with them. Although we still find time to play cards and board games, I miss the magical play that transforms a playground into a jungle, a couch into a life raft, or a Barbie dollhouse into Hogwarts! In these cold winter months, I want to remind us to put down the phones and iPads, turn off the televisions, leave the laundry baskets for a little while and play, play, play with our children.

A couple of great quotes from a Peter Gray article (in British spelling and all):

"The most important skills that children everywhere must learn in order to live happy, productive, moral lives are skills that cannot be taught in school. Such skills cannot be taught at all. They are learned and practised by children in play. These include the abilities to think creatively, to get along with other people and cooperate effectively, and to control their own impulses and emotions."

and

 "All young children are creative. In their play and self-directed exploration they create their own mental models of the world around them and also models of imaginary worlds. Adults whom we call geniuses are those who somehow retain and build upon that childlike capacity throughout their lives. Albert Einstein said his schooling almost destroyed his interest in mathematics and physics, but he recovered it when he left school. He referred to his innovative work as “combinatorial play”. He claimed that he developed his concept of relativity by imagining himself chasing a sunbeam and catching up with it, and then thinking about the consequences. We can’t teach creativity, but we can drive it out of people through schooling that centres not on children’s own questions but on questions dictated by an imposed curriculum that operates as if all questions have one right answer and everyone must learn the same things."

Link to the complete article: Give childhood back to children: if we want our offspring to have happy, productive and moral lives, we must allow more time for play, not less by Peter Gray

"The Bully Too Close to Home"

Beautiful snow floating softly outside, a second cup of coffee on Boxing Day, came across this blog post from Hands Free MAMA: The Bully Too Close to Home. It is beautifully written, please take the time to take a look~ Who among us wouldn't want to be able to say this about our child(ren)? "I was captivated by the utter joy on her[/his] face."

But Mom! I Had Such Great Memories from This Park!

After a delicious mother-daughter breakfast, we strolled through the Beaver Brook Park en route to our parked car.  A little boy was demonstrating his prowess jumping from boulder to boulder.  With every conquest, he turned and called to his parent, perhaps in search of praise or recognition.  After several failed attempts, he ran back to his grown up and attempted to explain the greatest of his feat.  We both paused to watch the boy gesture enthusiastically, whispering about how adorable he was.  Then it occurred to us that the grown up was not taking note of the child, but continued attending to the smart phone at hand.  My teenage daughter tugged at me and whispered "Mom, this is so sad!  I have such great memories from this park!  His [parent] is missing it ALL!"

Yes, I was a parent before the days of smart phones and cell phones (gasp!).  We played with the children at the park, in the house, in the car.  We pushed the swings from the back and sang about swinging to the moon.  We pushed the swings from the front and talked about bagels, puppies, and Dragon Tales.

As our children grow, we will not be able to control them.  We will want to be able to influence them.  That influence will only come if we know them and they feel known by us.  Let's put the cell phone on vibrate and put it in the back pocket.  Let's give them our full attention.  No text, no post, no email is quite as precious as those moments at the park.

Growing Future Generations

Last night, I had the privilege of participating in a forum for pre-teen and teen parents.  It was a wonderful group of thoughtful folks talking about how to raise decent human beings.  This is important work because, as I often joke about, these are the folks who will provide my geriatric care, run my town, and govern my country in the days to come.  Coincidentally, Parenting.com sent out this "quiz' yesterday.  Admittedly, some of it made me cringe and some made me chuckle.  It is worth a look and a little discussion.

Quiz: Make Sure You're Not Raising a Brat - Parenting.com

Resources for Traumatic Events

In light of recent events in our city and our town, here are a couple of helpful resources:

• Helping Children Cope in Unsettling Times from NASP (National Association of School Psychologists)
• Tips for Talking with and Helping Children and Youth Cope after a Disaster or Traumatic Events from SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration)

Playing

People ask what I do all day.  Well, apart from thinking together with parents, teachers, and children, I spend time playing with kids.  We play cards during lunch groups, we play singing games during guidance lessons, we dig in the mini tupperware sandbox while contemplating the complexities of friendships.  Much of the work we do together is done through playing together.  Sometimes it's role-playing to gain understanding of social dynamics or practice how to assert oneself.  Sometimes it's learning cooperation over competition in a group game.  Something about talking at kids - it's not being very effective.

As we approach April vacation, I hope we all take the time to play together - a lot; play-dates at the park, Apples-to-Apples after dinner as a family, a l-o-n-g game of monopoly through the week.  

From Taking Play Seriously by Robin Marantz Henig (Published February 17th, 2008):

"Scientists who study play, in animals and humans alike, are developing a consensus view that play is something more than a way for restless kids to work off steam; more than a way for chubby kids to burn off calories; more than a frivolous luxury. Play, in their view, is a central part of neurological growth and development — one important way that children build complex, skilled, responsive, socially adept and cognitively flexible brains."

So - what are we waiting for?  Let's go play!

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

In a few short months, our oldest will be at college. The memories of those ordinary days sustain me now as I prepare for the imminent separation. So if your child asks you to play this morning, please ignore the phone and the to-do list, get on the ground and enter his/her world for a while. Those are the moments I cherish as I wait for the thud upstairs to signal that the teenagers are up~

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