February is a time many of us pay special attention to our relationships as the piles of heart-shaped candies remind us of our need to be connected.  In a 2014 article, "Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down to 2 Basic Traits", Emily Esfahani Smith at The Atlantic cited two important dynamics in successful relationships.  The first is the responsiveness partners show each other when one asks for the attention of another in conversation or in observation of something interesting.  Basically, this is the putting down of the iPad, looking up, and engaging in what is termed in the research "bid" for attention.  The second is choosing to be kind in the relationship, even during a conflict.  Julie Gottman, one of the researchers, speaks of kindness not only as an internal character trait, but also as a muscle which can be built.  The more we practice acts of kindness, the more acts of kindness will become a natural response.

Although the research cited are conducted between married couples, these ideas translate to parenting and friendships.  Many of us experience the universal phenomenon of a child asking for attention when we are in the middle of cooking dinner.  The times when I placate them with half acknowledgements tend to result in greater demands for my attention.  The times when I push aside the stress of dinner deadline, turn off the stove, get on her eye level and give her the five minutes she needs, often lead to a better evening.  Even now, as the teenager bid for my attention, if I close the laptop and turn around to give her my full attention, she leaves with a little bounce in her steps.  (Which incidentally is why this entry has taken three tries to complete!)

The topic of kindness, on the other hand, deserves it's own entry.  For now an inspiring quote:  "Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for a kindness" ~Seneca~

Tulips on the Fence

It's a rare occasion - being home in the middle of the day, having a reflective moment.  The flu may have its perks after all!  Looking at the "new" fence, which has been about 4/15 finished for 3 years brought on a chuckle.  For a number of very good reasons, projects don't always get completed quickly at our home.  For 98% of the time, we don't fight about it because we both know that we both do things that drive the other one batty.  (But I get to pick which ones gets blog about.)  Being able to laugh at these things have proved better for the family, once we get over being concerned about what other people think.  After all, other people do not get to enjoy the haven that is our home, to which each of us gladly return at the conclusion of our day in the outside world.

It did get me thinking though about advise for our daughters.  Perhaps they should do projects with their significant others before making any permanent decisions, you know,  just to see if they work well  together. Projects seem to be what people do so much of nowadays.  We could administer the Myers-Briggs or the Compass Protocol to assess the match in their personalities or work approaches.  Or they could each marry her best friend and figure it out from there.  After all, if we knew too much about each other, or if we knew too much of what was to come, perhaps very few would take the leap.

As we approach Valentine's Day, let's celebrate the leaps of faith (or hope) many have taken.  Let's also remember that a marriage is about two people finding their way through projects, sometimes parenting, and almost always painful times.  As a wise woman (a lovely Mrs. Tapia) once told me, when the children are launched, only the two of us will remain.  Let's always be building our marriages with that in mind.

Sharing Our Lives

For someone who is relatively content going about my own business, I am, of late, often amazed at how I came to be a part of this cool little family. I know it is NOT all about me. Yet one has to acknowledge that these individuals have made me a better person. For that I am grateful. There is something to this act of moving oneself aside to make room for another. For someone else's preferences, someone else's way of doing things, someone else's things. Those deliberate acts of adjustment calibrates who we are.

Yes, we were definitely made to be part of a village.

 

Building Each Other Up

The thing with marriage is that it is made up of two imperfect people. We can focus on the things that bother us; or we can focus on the things that bond us. I distinctly remember the moment after many years of marriage, when I realized that although my husband is no Tarzan, I am certainly no Jane. Correcting him, or worse, criticizing him in private or in public never led to any positive changes in our relationship. Being encouraging and building him up, on the other hand, always added goodness to our shared lives.

Sometimes, I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds . . .